How to Say Sorry in Chinese (对不起, duìbuqǐ)

The standard way to say sorry in Chinese is 对不起, written duìbuqǐ. Three syllables: duì with a falling fourth tone, bu with no tone at all, qǐ with a dipping third tone.

The spelling is where learners lose it. Many write duìbùqǐ, marking 不 as a full fourth tone, because 不 on its own is bù. Inside 对不起 the syllable is neutral. It is short, quiet, level, and it carries no tone mark in any dictionary. duìbùqǐ is a word that does not exist.

This is not the regular tone-change rule at work. 不 does change to bú before a fourth tone, which is why 不是 is bú shì and 不要 is bú yào. But the syllable after 对不起 is qǐ, a third tone, so the rule would leave it as bù anyway. What happens instead is lexical: the whole word has a fixed pattern with a neutral middle, and you learn it as a unit.

The result is a word with a strong first beat and a light middle. If all three syllables get equal weight, it sounds like a dictionary entry being read aloud. Native speakers compress the middle almost to nothing: duì-bu-qǐ, with the second beat barely there.

The characters are 对, 不 and 起. 对 (duì) means toward or facing, 不 (bù) means not, and 起 (qǐ) means to rise or to get up. Read literally, the phrase points at something like not being able to raise yourself toward the other person, and that image is the usual mnemonic for why it means sorry.

Do not build the meaning from the parts, though. 对不起 is a fixed expression, and its grammar is not the grammar of a sentence you can rearrange. You cannot insert a pronoun into the middle or swap 不 for another negative. Learn it as one word, the way you learn 谢谢 as one word.

The characters do appear separately, and knowing them helps you read. 对 is extremely common: 对 means correct, 对面 means opposite side, 对话 means dialogue. 起 appears in 起床 (get up), 一起 (together) and 起飞 (take off). 不 is the basic negator and one of the first characters anyone learns.

One useful side effect: because 对 also means correct, 对不起 can feel like admitting the other person is right and you are not. That is exactly the tone of a genuine apology, and it is why the word carries more weight than the English sorry often does.

duì starts high and falls. In English, the closest shape is the way the word no is said when it is final. Keep it under one beat. A long duì sounds like complaining rather than apologizing.

bu is the neutral syllable, and it is easier than it looks: say it at a comfortable mid pitch, keep it quiet, and move on immediately. The vowel is close to the u in book, not the oo in food. Do not let it rhyme with the English word boo.

qǐ is a third tone, which means a dip: start mid, drop low, come back up. In fast speech the rise is often slight, but the low point is always there. The consonant is the pinyin q, which is not the English ch exactly; the tongue is flat behind the lower teeth and the lips are spread. The English ch in cheese is close enough to be understood, but it will mark an accent.

The most common sound error is not the consonants at all, it is rhythm. English speakers give three equal beats and stress the last one, because that is how an English apology phrase tends to land. Mandarin puts the weight on the first syllable and lets the last one end low and quiet. Get the rhythm right and the word is recognisable even with imperfect consonants.

A quick self-check: record yourself, then listen for whether the middle syllable is shorter than the other two. If all three are the same length, the neutral tone is missing.

If you spend a week listening to ordinary Mandarin, you will hear 不好意思 (bù hǎoyìsi) far more often than 对不起. It is the apology for small things, and small things are most of what people apologize for.

It covers bumping into someone in a crowd, arriving two minutes late, interrupting a conversation, squeezing past someone on a train, asking a stranger for directions, asking a colleague to repeat something, and taking up someone's time. It also works as a soft excuse me when you need to get someone's attention without being abrupt.

The literal meaning is close to embarrassed or feeling awkward, which explains its range. 意思 (yìsi) is meaning or intent, and the phrase describes a small loss of face on your side. That is why it sounds lighter than 对不起: you are admitting awkwardness, not fault.

Pronunciation: bù is a fourth tone here, not neutral, because 不好意思 is a phrase rather than a fixed word with an internal neutral syllable. hǎo is a third tone. yìsi has a fourth tone on yì and a neutral si, so the ending is light: bù hǎo yì si. 不 does not change to bú before hǎo, because the rule only applies before a fourth tone.

One more use worth knowing: 不好意思 can describe being shy. 他不好意思说话 means he is too embarrassed to speak. In that sense it is a state, not an apology, and the context makes the difference clear.

抱歉 (bàoqiàn) is an apology with a slightly formal colour. Both syllables are fourth tone, so it lands flat and serious: bào qiàn, two falls in a row. It is the word you are more likely to see in a message, an email or a customer service reply than to hear in a kitchen.

很抱歉 (hěn bàoqiàn) adds the default degree word and moves the apology up a level. This is the form for a mistake with consequences: a missed deadline, a wrong order, a booking that was lost, a meeting you cannot attend. 十分抱歉 (shífēn bàoqiàn) is one step beyond that and belongs to formal writing or a very serious service failure.

The verb form is 道歉 (dàoqiàn), to apologize. 我向你道歉 (wǒ xiàng nǐ dàoqiàn) means I apologize to you, and it is what you say when you want to name the act rather than just express the feeling. 我代表公司向你道歉 is the version a manager uses.

Related formal phrases: 给您添麻烦了 (gěi nín tiān máfan le, sorry for the trouble), 请见谅 (qǐng jiànliàng, please forgive me, written), and 多多包涵 (duōduō bāohán, please bear with me, humble and slightly old-fashioned). These are worth recognising even if you never produce them.

Register matters more than intensity here. 很抱歉 in a text to a close friend sounds stiff; 不好意思 in a formal complaint reply sounds careless. The size of the words should match the size of the setting.

A large share of the situations where English speakers reach for sorry do not call for an apology in Chinese at all. They call for a different phrase, and using 对不起 in those places sounds odd rather than polite.

打扰一下 (dǎrǎo yíxià) means excuse me for a moment, and it is what you say before interrupting someone, before asking a colleague a question, or before stepping into a conversation. Note the tone change on 一: 下 is a fourth tone, so 一 is read yí, giving yíxià rather than yīxià. That is the standard rule for 一 before a fourth tone.

借过 (jièguò) means excuse me, let me pass. It is short, functional and very common on trains, in queues and in narrow shop aisles. It is not an apology and does not require a reply.

请问 (qǐngwèn) means may I ask, and it is the correct opener for a question to a stranger. 请问，洗手间在哪里 (excuse me, where is the restroom) is polite and complete. 对不起，洗手间在哪里 is understandable but wrong in register: it apologizes for a request that has not caused any trouble.

劳驾 (láojià) is an older, northern-flavoured excuse me, still heard from people over fifty and in Beijing. Recognise it, but 打扰一下 will serve you better almost everywhere.

The apologies form a rough scale, and choosing the wrong level is a more common problem than choosing the wrong word.

不好意思 is the light level. It fits anything that costs the other person a few seconds or a small inconvenience: a bump, an interruption, a request, a slight delay. It is also the level most native speakers default to, which is why learners who overuse 对不起 sound overly solemn.

对不起 is the middle level. It admits fault. Use it when you actually did something wrong: you broke something, you forgot, you were late in a way that mattered, you said something careless. It is also the right word when the other person is visibly upset, because it acknowledges that the incident was your responsibility.

很抱歉 and 十分抱歉 sit at the heavy end. These belong to situations with consequences and often to writing: a cancelled order, a missed flight, a mistake that cost money or time. Using this level for a small thing can be counterproductive, because it signals that something serious has happened.

The reply scales too. 没事 or 没关系 answers a light apology; 没关系 answers a middle one; a heavy apology may get 没关系，下次注意 (it is fine, just be careful next time) or a more formal acknowledgement. If the other person answers a light 不好意思 with 没事没事, the exchange is over and you should let it end.

The standard reply is 没关系 (méi guānxi), literally it does not have a relationship, which functions as it does not matter. The 系 is neutral: guānxi, not guānxì. This is the reply textbooks teach and it is always safe.

In speech, 没事 (méi shì) is more frequent and much shorter. 没事儿 (méi shìr) is the northern version with the erhua ending, common in Beijing and the northeast. 不要紧 (bú yào jǐn) means it is not important and sits between the two in formality; note that 不 becomes bú here because 要 is a fourth tone.

There are warmer options when the apology was unnecessary. 别放在心上 (bié fàng zài xīn shang, do not take it to heart) tells the person to stop worrying. 算了 (suàn le, forget it) closes the matter, though the tone can make it sound resigned rather than forgiving. 下次注意 (be careful next time) accepts the apology with a small instruction attached.

If you were partly at fault, saying so defuses the exchange faster than accepting an apology: 我也有错 (I was partly wrong too). Chinese social exchanges often run on mutual face-saving, and a small share of the blame offered back is usually taken as generosity rather than as a dispute.

What not to do: do not reply to 谢谢 with 对不起, and do not reply to an apology with 谢谢. The pairs are fixed. 谢谢 gets 不客气 or 没关系; 对不起 gets 没关系 or 没事.

English uses sorry for at least four different jobs: apologizing, getting attention, asking someone to repeat themselves, and expressing sympathy. Mandarin splits those jobs across different phrases, and mixing them up is the most consistent source of awkwardness for learners.

For getting attention or asking a question, use 请问 or 打扰一下. For asking someone to repeat, use 不好意思，请再说一遍 (sorry, please say that again) or 没听清 (I did not hear clearly). For passing through a crowd, use 借过.

For sympathy, 对不起 does not work at all. If someone tells you a relative has died, 对不起 sounds like you are confessing to something. Say 听到这个消息我很难过 (I am very sorry to hear that) or 节哀 (jié āi, a formal condolence to the bereaved). The second is short and appropriate at a funeral; the first is safer in a message.

There is also a cultural calibration issue. Mandarin speakers apologize less often than English speakers for things that are nobody's fault, and more readily for things that involve inconvenience to others. A service worker will say 不好意思 to a customer as a matter of routine. A friend will usually not say 对不起 for being five minutes late; a quick 不好意思 covers it. Reading those habits correctly matters more than memorising another phrase.

These errors survive even after the tones are right, because they come from mapping English habits onto Chinese situations.

• Writing duìbùqǐ. The middle syllable of 对不起 is neutral and takes no tone mark. The dictionary form is duìbuqǐ, and the spoken form compresses the middle beat almost to nothing.
• Using 对不起 to ask a question. 对不起，洗手间在哪里 apologizes for nothing. Use 请问，洗手间在哪里, or 不好意思，请问洗手间在哪里.
• Using 不好意思 in a formal written apology. In an email about a lost order, 不好意思 sounds casual to the point of careless. Use 很抱歉 or 十分抱歉.
• Over-apologizing with 对不起 for tiny things. Bumping into someone on a train calls for 不好意思. A full 对不起 makes the other person think something serious happened, and they may respond with concern rather than 没关系.
• Using 对不起 to express sympathy. It means admitting fault, not sharing sorrow. Say 听到这个消息我很难过, or 节哀 in a condolence setting.
• Saying 对不起 twice or three times to close an exchange. One apology plus the reply ends it. Repeating it puts pressure on the other person to keep reassuring you.